I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
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god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.