What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
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4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you