[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
You Might Also Like
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I’m not proud