Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
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*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.