“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
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you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna