“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
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there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
seems fine
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary