Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
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Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.