[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
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How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.