my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Welcome to the stomach
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”