In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
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Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Running your mouth is not cardio.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee