I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
You Might Also Like
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad