#SaturdayBears
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Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant