Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
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My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
The Joker was right
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher