“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
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10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%