Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
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[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper