someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
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I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.