Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
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I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.