I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
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I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”