If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
We’ve all been there
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.