This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
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*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Easy enough.