I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
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Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Banana is the quietest snack
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Safety first