(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
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I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be