*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
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it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger