Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
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DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
*3.5 thank you very much.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
as is their right
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.