“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
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God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.