There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
checking out some reviews of my local library
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…