[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
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if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day