One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
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Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
getting corrected
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.