My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
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Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”