How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
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*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.