What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
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Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]