FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
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I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.