When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
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*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I think my mom just blocked me
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know