Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”