I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
The fall of Netflix
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF