horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
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waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.