I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
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That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Don’t forget to tip your server
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
That’s it.I’m out.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!