Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
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[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Damn what did I do next
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?