Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
You Might Also Like
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Nice try Hitler
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Going to church you guys need anything
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.