A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
He wanted to make sure😂
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.