Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
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Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
All excellent questions
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.