Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
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If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I have so many questions.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.