“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
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Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Terribly Tuesday.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*