You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.