me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
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Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
This cat wants you to take your pills
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.