IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
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My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.