The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
i- i did not expect this
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Mornin. * use accordingly
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”