*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
You Might Also Like
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
how much for the angry fruit?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
had to make it
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before