*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
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Alexa, make me look good naked.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.