squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
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me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Wait a minute…
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.